A Journey Towards Equality: Our Gender-Equal Sikh Wedding

Jasleen Kaur

October 26, 2024 

Dedicated to my loving husband on our upcoming 4th wedding anniversary.

I was recently talking to a colleague about my "gender-equal wedding," and I realized that this experience deserves to be shared more widely. As someone who has dedicated her career to untangling the complex threads of gender inequality woven into our social fabric, I knew that our wedding couldn't just be a celebration of love; it had to be a statement about equality and a challenge to deeply rooted traditions.

My work in research, policy analysis, and grassroots initiatives has taught me that change often begins with questioning the status quo, even in the most personal aspects of our lives. It's shown me how seemingly small traditions or customs can reinforce larger systemic inequalities. So when it came to planning our Sikh wedding ceremony, the Anand Karaj, I couldn't ignore the symbolism inherent in its traditional form.

In a typical Anand Karaj, four "pheras" or circumambulations are performed around the Guru Granth Sahib. Traditionally, the groom leads the bride in these rounds, symbolizing his role as the leader in the relationship. But as a passionate advocate for gender equality, this aspect of the ceremony felt at odds with the partnership my fiancé, Danvir, and I wanted to build.

Drawing from my understanding of how gender biases manifest in our daily lives, I realized that this was an opportunity to align my most intimate commitment with the values I fight for every day. Danvir and I decided to modify the pheras. We chose to either walk side by side for all four rounds or alternate leading - two with him in front and two with me leading.

Our decision was met with significant resistance, echoing the pushback I often encounter in my professional work. We were told, "You can be equal in your relationship, but why challenge the traditional ceremony?" Some even questioned whether the ceremony truly mattered for equality in our relationship. However, my research and history have shown me that symbols matter, especially when trying to change strongly rooted notions of power and agency.

One gurudwara outright refused to perform our modified ceremony. Another initially agreed but got cold feet the day before the wedding. They called my mother-in-law and told us they would not perform the ceremony. I was heartbroken. It was a challenging time, made more difficult by the fact that it was a COVID wedding and my parents couldn't attend. My husband and I had done all the preparations on our own. I felt very alone during what should have been the happiest time of my life.

In that moment of despair, Danvir's response reinforced why I wanted to marry him. His exact words were, "It is okay - we can just get married in the court - we can get the wedding food in the park and just enjoy a beautiful day with our friends." That unconditional support and willingness to forgo tradition for our shared values mirrored the kind of partnership I advocate for in my work.

This is where I need to pause and express my deepest gratitude to our friends in Boston. They weren't just there for the celebration - they became the family we needed for this wedding. When most of our biological family was skeptical or unsupportive of our "gender-equal wedding," our friends stood proudly by our side. They decorated our car, adorned the Gurudwara, planned videos, handled wedding photography, and took care of all the administrative details. Most importantly, they wholeheartedly supported our decision and were genuinely proud of us for taking this stand. Their unwavering support turned what could have been a lonely experience into a warm, love-filled celebration. This wedding truly could not have happened without them.

The support of these friends and my mother-in-law was invaluable. I burst into tears at the Gurudwara, and seeing my distress, the committee finally agreed to perform the ceremony our way - not because they believed in it, but because they saw how much it meant to us.

On our wedding day, September 7, 2020, I was incredibly nervous. The ceremony took place at 11:00 AM at the Gurdwara Sikh Sangat Boston. As I stood there, with all eyes on me, I kept questioning whether it was all worth it. The priest (Bhai ji) was not quite happy performing the ceremony that was most important to us. But then I reminded myself of all the times I've pushed for change in my professional life. Challenging social norms is never easy. There's always resistance. But as an advocate for equality, it was essential to start our married life in the most equal way possible.

Due to COVID-19 restrictions, many of our loved ones couldn't be physically present. However, we brought the ceremony to them through a live stream on YouTube. It was a unique "six-feet apart" wedding, where we combined tradition with technology to create an inclusive experience for all our guests, near and far.

Looking back, I realize that while no one in my family might follow in my footsteps immediately, we had taken an important step. We had shown that it's possible to respect tradition while also adapting it to reflect our values of equality. It was a real-life application of the principles I fight for every day in my work.

Our gender-equal wedding was more than just a ceremony; it was a statement about the kind of partnership we wanted to build. It was about starting our journey together as true equals, side by side, from the very first step. As we move forward in our life together, we carry with us the spirit of that day - a spirit of love, equality, and the courage to challenge norms.

What makes me particularly proud is that this wasn't a wedding of pomp and show. It was intimate, meaningful, and true to our values. It's a story we can share with our 2-year-old twins when they're old enough to understand. It's something that we as individuals can be proud of, and so can our children. We've set a precedent in our family for questioning traditions that don't align with our values of equality and mutual respect.

To all those reading this, I encourage you to consider how you can promote equality in your own lives and relationships. My work has taught me that change happens when we question and challenge the status quo, even in small ways. Every step towards equality counts, no matter how small it might seem. Together, we can create a more balanced and just world, one tradition at a time.

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PS: For those interested in more details about our wedding, you can visit our wedding website at theknot.com/jasgotdanwired. You'll find our full story, more photos, and the YouTube Live link we used to stream our ceremony. We also had a Zoom backup. Our wedding hashtag was #JasGotDanwired – feel free to use it if you're sharing your thoughts or well wishes!

Our full wedding video is here - https://drive.google.com/file/d/16mKtWR6JKwmkQdVV_9TIKk9e3dOnOu42/view?usp=sharing

Some pictures of just the bride below:)